Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Being analytical, or "the calculating self"

I'm reading and greatly enjoying The Art of Possibility on my new BART commute to San Francisco. It makes me smile! So I hold the book up high, and maybe my fellow commuters will see me smiling and want to buy the book, too.

This evening I got hypnotized for the first time. Or at least, the first time by a hypnotist. The deep relaxation is meant to last and last. Yet I remained fearful even while relaxed of actually feeling sadness. I'm frightened of that sadness. I'm afraid I'll drag others down with me.

Then I spoke with my father on the phone. After our nice visit for his birthday, he and I agreed to "put it in the calendar!" and talk every Wednesday. I realized while talking with him, all of a sudden, that I had been blaming his "over-technical" style as the reason for years of not-closeness. How convenient - and by the way I've been accused too, and very rightly, of being one of the most technically-minded people around. So I told him, I was just scapegoating the Mr. Fixit thing, as an excuse so I could remain stand-offish for years. Jeez, I'm such a piece of work!

So next time we talk we'll pick it up from there -- competitiveness and analytical-ness vs. warm, loving expression. And raising kids.

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